Measure twice, cut once

We bought a new refrigerator Monday amidst the chaos that was the short-lived and basically dysfunctional Iowa appliance rebate program. As it turned out, the model we bought was not included in the rebate program so it didn’t matter that the local appliance dealership was over-worked, under-staffed and basically a three ring circus that day or that the rebate money ran out about 20 minutes after the program began at 8 a.m.

The Farmer wisely sent me off on this mission by myself. I think his exact words were, “You have time today, I don’t.” What he meant was, “No way am I getting involved and you’ll end up making the final decision anyway so why bother.”

The man is not dumb. This preference for hauling manure over going refrigerator shopping relieved him of any responsibility, should things go wrong at any point along the way.

We had already pre-shopped. Pre-shopping is an invaluable skill I learned from my friend Michele, the queen of shopping, pre- and otherwise. So I marched into the local appliance store on Monday afternoon knowing pretty much what I wanted. We’d measured the available space in the kitchen to assure ourselves a slightly bigger model would fit. Now I was good to go.

My first clue that this was not going to be a quick errand was when I discovered the parking lot was full. This is in Amana, Iowa. The only time the parking lots are full are during Maifest and Oktoberfest, never on the 1^st of March. Clearly, every person within a 25-mile radius had decided it was time to buy a new washer, dryer, microwave, stove, refrigerator, dishwasher or deep freeze.

It took about 30 minutes before a salesperson was free to help me so I had plenty of time to wander around and pick out the refrigerator I wanted. The model I chose was part of the store’s scratch and dent sale. The scratch and dent discount was actually higher than the rebate would have been so I was feeling smug. It had a microscopic cosmetic blemish on one side of the cabinet. Once in place in the kitchen, it wouldn’t show anyway but was worth knocking nearly $450 off the list price. What a deal I was getting.

We did the paperwork, set up a delivery time (next week, ugh, I’m just as bad as my dogs for wanting instant gratification) and I was out the door.

That night, I heard the Farmer rattling around in the kitchen. Then he rattled around on the back porch, then he came in, holding a tape measure, and asked “What are the measurements of the new fridge?” I dutifully recited them back, “70 inches tall, 36 inches wide, 32 inches deep.”

“This doorway is only 30 inches wide,” he said. “Even if they bring it in sideways, it’s not going to fit.”

Oh, bad word, I said.

After a few moments of total panic, thinking I had paid a four-figure price for a refrigerator that would end up sitting on the patio, running off an extension cord strung into the house, reason prevailed.

“I think they took the doors off the old one when they brought it in,” the Farmer said. “If they take the doors off the new one, it should come in all right.”

“Should” wasn’t good enough.

I was going to be the one at home when it was delivered. I had visions of dealing with angry, sweating deliverymen trying to wedge a 32-inch-deep fridge through a 30-inch doorway. Not a good scene.

I spent a restless night, dreaming of a gigantic home remodeling project in which we tore off the entire south side of the kitchen to accommodate the new fridge. In the morning, I called the appliance store, wondering how many people were dumb enough to buy something without seeing if they could actually get it in their house first. (Don’t laugh, a co-worker once bought a new 4x4 SUV that wouldn’t fit in his garage.)

The lady at the appliance store was clearly used to dealing with people like me.

“Don’t worry, we can take the doors off and the cabinet will measure 28 inches deep,” she reassured me. "We do it all the time."

Well. Okay. If you say so.

I’ll let you know how it goes on Monday. Now I am in the midst of a massive refrigerator cleaning. How can we have so much stuff in there and never have anything to eat?