Fashion statements

I am the last person on this planet who should be giving fashion advice. Given that I live most of my life in jeans, T-shirts and sweatshirts I probably shouldn’t throw stones at what others wear, but the Farmer and I went to a wedding reception recently and it was amazing what some of the women were wearing. I'm sure these gals thought they looked very elegant and fashionable for the reception at a local country club but . . .

Really? Did you look in the mirror before you left the house?

If you have dyed your hair the same color and texture as straw and your skin tone is paler than a vampire in January, wearing dull black and gray is not a good look. It is not redeemed by your slash of scarlet lipstick.

If you are over 50 and have tanned your skin to the approximate color and texture of saddle leather or rhinoceros hide, wearing a skimpy sundress that exposes vast quantities of said saddle leather/rhinoceros hide is not a good look.

Unless you are 16 years old and weigh 104 pounds, wearing a skimpy sundress with a short baby-doll skirt that barely covers your butt is not a good look.

If you are wearing a strapless dress or any other item of clothing that requires you to tug, pull, push or re-adjust it every 45 seconds, thus repeatedly drawing attention to your boobs or your butt, it’s not a good look.

If your heels are so high they require you to lurch around the room clutching at various people’s arms in order to keep your balance — and you are stone cold sober at 1 in the afternoon — it is not a good look.

Tight clothing is not sexy. It’s just tight. It shows every bulge and bump. If you’re wearing something that looks like you were poured into it or had it painted on, it’s not a good look.

If you are 13 years old and wearing so much liquid eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, powder, blush and lipstick you look like a child hooker or a demented raccoon, it is not a good look. (Honestly, their mothers let them out of the house like that? Geez, I feel old.)

If you’re 50 and trying to dress like you’re 20, trust me, it is not a good look. Three words: cellulite, flab and wrinkles. They’re no big deal and everybody gets them but believe me, I don’t want to see yours any more than you want to see mine.

I'll step down off my fashionista soap box now. Need to do laundry and make sure I have a supply of clean jeans and T-shirts.