How to be a better dog trainer

There's an equine version of this floating around on the Internet right now and I couldn't resist the temptation to rewrite it for the canine performance sports subculture.

So, here are some tips to help you enhance your training skills.

• Put on good clothes, preferably ones that require dry-cleaning. Have a friend throw muddy ditch water on you while you repeat, “Good dog! That was an awesome recall and I love it when you leap up so I can catch you.”

• Slam fingers in door. Smile as you grit your teeth and say, “Out, sweetheart, those are mommy’s fingers, not the toy.”

• Practice heeling footwork while walking around your office. Don’t worry if co-workers stare. It prepares you for showring pressure.

• Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write a four digit check to your state veterinary teaching hospital without flinching.

• Jog long distances carrying a leash and waving a bag of liver treats. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.

• Put a leash on a moving freight train and practice guiding it into heel position. Smile! Isn't this fun!

• Finesse your fibbing skills: “Congratulations on your amazingly perfect performance, class wins, High In Trial and High Combined, just like the last 28 weekends I’ve shown against you.”

• Look in the mirror and practice explaining why there are a number of large bruises on your thighs (and everywhere else) before you go to your annual ob/gyn appointment.

• Remove all gross, moldy leftover food from your refrigerator. Put in bowl and mix well. Drizzle contents of bowl across living room carpet. Hide some in a special place where no one can find it for a few days.

• Borrow the US Army’s slogan: “Be All That You Can Be” . . . sore, sweaty, bitten, bruised, scratched, sprained, dislocated, broken, jammed . . .

• Take a $100 bill and tear it to tiny shreds while repeating to yourself, “Qs don’t matter, all that matters is we’re having fun . . .”

Today, I am thankful it's Friday!