Phoenix: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Baiting mousetraps.
Phoenix: Why?
Me: To catch mice.
Phoenix: I could catch mice.
Me: Um. Yeah. Feel free to start any time.
Phoenix: Put peanut butter on me?
Me: Not a chance.
Phoenix: But need peanut butter to catch mice.
Me: Only on the trap.
Phoenix: Oh. Peanut butter makes mice come in the house to get caught?
Me: Um. Not exactly. They’re already here. God help me if I’m attracting any more.
Phoenix: I will help you.
Me: Okay. This trap goes under the kitchen sink. Right . . . here . . . like . . . this . .
Phoenix: MOUSE!
Me: WTF?!
Trap: SNAP!
Me: Phoenix . . .
Phoenix (squinty eyes): Sorry.
Me: There was no mouse under there just now.
Phoenix: Could have been.
Me: Okay, I’m resetting the trap. Be good.
Phoenix: I’m very good. See. Being good.
Me: Setting . . . the . . . trap . . . now . . .
Phoenix: LOOKOUT! THERE IT GOES!
Me: WTF?!
Trap: SNAP!
Me: Phoenix . . .
Phoenix (eyes squinty, tail wagging): Sorry.
Me: No you’re not. Go lie down.
Phoenix: You are no fun.
Later that night, 1:30 a.m.
Trap: SNAP!
Phoenix: MOUSE! MOM! MOUSE! GET UP! CAUGHT A MOUSE!
Me: Okay already. Let me get out of bed.
Phoenix: HURRY! GET IT!
Me: It’s in a trap. It’s not going anywhere.
Phoenix: Then why is it making that noise?
Mouse in trap: Bang! Clatter! Smack! Rattle!
Me: (Bad word.)
Phoenix: OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR!
Me: No dead mouse in a trap ever made noise like that.
Phoenix (bouncing off cupboard door): I will get it! Evil vermin! Will dispatch the vermin! Vermin flees before me!
Me: Are you part terrier?
Phoenix: What’s a terrier?
Me: Never mind. Move so I can open the door.
Phoenix, bouncing: HURRY!
Mouse (sounding angry): Smack! Rattle! Thump!
Me, opening door: Oh (bad word). It’s caught by one leg.
Phoenix, diving into the cupboard: GETITGETITGETIT!!!
Trash can, dish soap and bottle of cleaner go flying.
Me, lunging after Phoenix: NO!!!
Phoenix: WHEE!!! I’m hunting mice!
Me: You’re going to knock it out of the trap and then we’ll have an angry three-legged mouse running around the kitchen in the middle of the night.
Phoenix, snapping teeth: Who cares! This is FUN!
Mouse: What kind of a freak show is this! No one needs peanut butter this bad.
Me, grabbing trap and heading outside, bare foot and in pajamas: I cannot believe I’m doing mouse catch-and-release in the middle of the night.
Phoenix, leaping and snapping: GIT THE MOUSE! GIT THE MOUSE!
Me, opening trap and tossing mouse over the fence: It’s your lucky day, buddy. Run, um, limp free!
Phoenix: I could have caught that.
Me: Then what would you do?
Phoenix: Eat it.
Me: I don’t even want to think about that.
I seriously LOVE your recaps of conversations with Phoenix!
ReplyDeleteExtremely funny!
ReplyDeleteOne of my goldens found a dead mouse and our conversation went more like "Fix it mom, the toy is broken" as it is being flipped in the air.
My second golden would be like Phoenix. Never caught a mouse but the robins final moved out after several baby robin hunt tests :)
All I have to say is Bo seems to believe that barking up into the trees will actually lure the squirrels down. I keep explaining to him it doesn't work that way, and he keeps not believing me. "Maybe if I just bark LOUDER they will understand how much I want to play the I-chase-you-and-kill-you! game."
ReplyDeleteoh my oh my you don't know how much I needed one of your funny commentaries. My GSD Blitz is next to me and we don't have much time left as he has complications from lymphoma and chemo has to be stopped. It's 1:00 in the morning and you and Phenix have made me laugh. I have a friend whenever she has a dead mouse and can smell it but can't find it she calls me to send the Mouser (my Blitz) over to find it. He says he never knew you could find a LIVE mouse :)) My Mali on the other hand agrees with Phoenix oh what fun to be covered in peanut butter and catch mice...
ReplyDeleteI tried the catch and release program here once. The mouse came back with all of it's friends. After that I let the cat take care of the catch part. Release wasn't really an issue. The cat received a raw egg for each DEAD mouse she deposited next to her food bowl. The live ones were not rewarded since cat chases mouse through the living room and up the drapes (not kidding here) was not appreciated. Anyway - good luck with the release thing. I bet a bunch of money that you catch a three legged mouse in a trap later this fall!
ReplyDeletePhoenix, FYI Orbit is a terrier. She can catch mice without peanut butter.
ReplyDeleteNever a dull moment huh?
ReplyDelete