I gave Jamie a bath yesterday. All parties involved lived to tell about it but bath time is high drama at our house.
Jamie is a certifiable drama king. For him, a normal reaction to something he finds disagreeable is to pitch an over-the-top fit. He is getting progressively worse as he gets older. The only good thing about his nearly 100 percent hearing loss is that I managed to get out the shampoo, the towels and the dog dryer, plus haul the grooming table outside onto the sunny and warm patio before he figured out what was going on.
Jamie: Bath?! I don’t need no stinkin’ bath.
Me: Um, yes, you do. You’ve got a stink goin’ on.
Jamie: I’ll keep my stink, if it’s all the same to you.
Me: It’s not. C’mon, let’s get in the tub.
Farmer: What are you doing to that dog?
Me: Nothing. Yet.
Jamie (bolting for living room): Nooooooo!
Me (following): Don’t make me drag you into the tub.
Jamie (curled up on the couch): I am not here. You do not see me. These are not the droids you want.
Me: Jedi mind tricks? Really? What else ya got?
Jamie: Let me show you my teeth. See? Big teeth. Grrr. Are you scared?
Me: No. C’mon.
Jamie: Sh*t. That never works.
Phoenix: Whatcha doin’? Can I play, too?
Jamie: Why don’t you give HIM a bath instead? He stinks worse than me.
Phoenix: Do not!
Me: He’ll get a bath later. But your turn is now.
Farmer: I’m getting a headache.
Jamie (being marched to the bathroom): I will go to the gallows with dignity. I regret that I have but one life to give.
Me: Get in the tub, big dog.
Phoenix: Wheee!!! I’m in the tub! I’m in the tub!
Me (rolling eyes): Phoenix, get out of there.
Jamie (bolting): I’m outta here!
Phoenix: You are no fun.
Jamie: Lalalalalala, I can’t hear you.
Me: JAMES ALEXANDER!
Jamie: Sh*t. I heard that.
Phoenix: You guys are funny.
Me: Get. In. The. Tub.
Jamie: Noooooooo! Dying! Dog abuse! Help! Help!
Farmer: What are you doing to that dog?!
Me (turning on shower head): Jamie, hold still. Please. Stay. In. The. Tub.
Phoenix (launching himself over my shoulder): Running water! Cool! Awesome! SNAPSNAPSNAP!!!
Me: Dear God In Heaven! That was almost my ear! Keep your teeth in your mouth!
Phoenix: Sorry. Let me snuggle up to apologize.
Me: How did you get so wet? You’re not even in the tub!
Jamie: Better him than me. Can I get out now? Good, here I go.
Good thing Phoenix’s bath this weekend will not be so traumatic. He's a water monkey and it will be hard to get him OUT of the tub.