Thursday, November 21, 2013

It's loose!

If you have sensed a disturbance in the Force, Phoenix has been granted loose-in-the-house-during-the-day-when-no-one-is-home privileges. He will turn 7 next month.

These privileges have been a long time coming. For most of his life, I doubted this day would ever come. My previous dogs all had free run of the house by the time they were 3. There was occasionally some minor collateral damage as they adjusted to unsupervised freedom but it was no big deal.

I knew from day one things were going to be different with Phoenix. He was a . . . busy . . . puppy.

Busy. Yes. That sounds nicer than feral cat on crack.

Before Phoenix, I scoffed at people who told tales about their dogs tearing up things in the house or stealing things off the counters. That would never happen in my house, I thought smugly. Everyone knew you had to keep an eye on young dogs to teach them house manners and prevent them from committing transgressions.

In Phoenix’s case, you had to keep both eyes, both hands, a collar and a six foot leash on him. And never turn your back on him. And never assume anything was “safe.” And still his list of transgressions continued to grow.

People who owned his littermates posted on the email group about how well-mannered their puppies were. They had full house privileges at 6 months of age. They were unsupervised during the day and slept on the bed at night. I shuddered in horror at the thought. If Phoenix was loose at night, I was pretty sure there would be no sleeping for any of us.

His reign of domestic terrorism continued. Even with humans around to keep an eye on him, his level of criminal activity escalated as he grew bigger, faster and  . . . busier.

I remember chastising the Farmer once for letting 3-year-old Phoenix steal laundry out of the hamper and run amuck with it through the house.

“You were supposed to be WATCHING him,” I said.

“I was watching him,” the Farmer replied. “I watched him run into the bathroom and grab your bra out of the clothes hamper. He’s really fast.”

Phoenix didn’t care if he was being watched or not. He delighted in committing crimes right under my nose. He didn’t care what he took, the reward was simply in the possession: socks, books, magazines, cooking utensils, tubes of hand lotion, entire boxes of kleenex, the TV remote, shoes, training gear, CDs, pens, pot holders, house plants. Anything he could grab off any surface was fair game.

I quit counting how many tubes of lip balm were sacrificed to his eternal thieving quest. Once I pried my little point and shoot digital camera out of his mouth. (It had been allegedly “safe” in the middle of the kitchen table.) Another time, it was the 14K gold chain and pendant I’d bought to commemorate the American Belgian Tervuren Club national where Jamie went High In Trial.

Then there was the honey incident. The Farmer didn’t get Phoenix’s crate door latched after taking him out to potty and he spend the afternoon in a merry romp through the house, culminating with the theft of a plastic squeeze bottle of honey off the kitchen table. I came home that day to find honey liberally applied to the floor in every single first floor room.

There was no way I was ever leaving this dog loose in my house unsupervised.



When I left the house, Phoenix went in his crate. I could rest assured the house would still be standing when I got home and that I would not need to buy more lip balm.

Years passed. Phoenix’s thievery continued but now he stole things and brought them to me to exchange for a cookie.

“If you wouldn’t feed him for bringing you stuff, he wouldn’t keep doing it,” the Farmer said.

“If I wouldn’t feed him for bringing me stuff, he would take it where I couldn’t see him and chew it up,” I said.

I started to give Phoenix tiny tastes of freedom while I ran outside to help the Farmer with one chore or another. He worked up to being loose for a couple of hours while we went out to dinner. I tentatively started letting him stay loose with full run of the house when I had to be gone in the evening for work, cautioning the Farmer to, “Please watch Phoenix while I’m gone.”

“What am I supposed to watch him do?” the Farmer asked.

A couple of years ago, Phoenix graduated to sleeping loose at night. Once it was established that the bed was for the humans and the thick fleece pad on the floor was for him, it was all good. Granted, Phoenix tends to do a fair amount of nocturnal hunting and I’m still trying to convince him that barking at the top of his lungs and throwing himself at a window because there’s a bunny on the lawn at 3 a.m. is not acceptable behavior.

During the short daytime intervals when Phoenix was loose in the house, a pattern evolved. To his credit, by now he was no longer stealing things and munching them up. He just stole them and re-purposed them. I usually found any purloined objects scattered in front of the living room picture window.

“He starts as soon as you turn at the end of the lane,” the Farmer told me. “He goes and gets stuff and piles it in front of the window. Then he sits on it and waits for you to come back.”

Well. That seemed relatively harmless and oddly sweet. 

As this continued, a new pattern formed. When I came home, I would greet Phoenix in the kitchen and ask, “What did you take?” Phoenix would race off into the living room and return with a shoe or slipper or random piece of my laundry. I collect the item and ask if there was anything else. There usually was. He would bring me everything, I’d put it away and life was good. But I still didn’t trust him for longer than an hour or two, with or without the Farmer’s questionable supervisory skills.

When I was home on leave after surgery in September, Phoenix was with me 24/7. For 4 weeks, he never saw the inside of a crate in the house. When I returned to work, I only went back for half-days at first, and decided Phoenix could be loose in the house for the 4 hours I would be gone each morning. He proved trustworthy, still collecting one or two shoes for his stash in front of the living room window.

When I returned to work full time, I put him in his crate before leaving that first day. He looked at me like. “Seriously? I took care of you for a month and this is what I get?” I relented. What the hell.

He’s been loose during the day since then, carefully gathering shoes and bringing them to me when I come home from work. 


  1. I dont know if its my comupter but your writing is in black so I cant read it agaisnt the brown back ground. Your other post, the writting is in white.

    1. Not just yours. :-) It's hard to read today.

      But the content is worth it, and I can so relate. Maybe one day my dogs will earn their freedom in the house....

  2. And with reading this, my thanks a dog who's greatest sin when left alone at home has been to raid the recycling bin for old plastic containers to destroy becomes complete. Thank you, my horror at that incident has now been put into proper perspective. :)

  3. I think its superbly sweet that he brings you all the things he 'collected' when you come home :) Prior to me adopting my Little Dog, I never had a dog that had to be crated while I was out of the house either. Mine girl is no where near as creative in her 'transgressions' as Phoenix though! Congratulations in your new found freedom Phoenix :)

  4. Phoenix and the honey puts the incident of six-month-old Taz and the five pound bag of flour in perspective. Although, it turns out that when you mix flour and dog drool you get wallpaper paste. All over the rug. And both dogs. And everything else. Piper specialized in eating couches, but she's been over that for a while.

  5. Wait! Are you SURE the Farmer and Mr. Wild Dingo aren't one in the same?

    I love this post for so many reasons. My criminal, Juno, graduated earlier than Phoenix and does the same thing, collects shoes and repositions them. But the other day, we found a sticker in her poop. So, she's doing more than we actually know about. She's getting good at covering her tracks. Either way, we'll be on the lookout for any singularities that may have been rooted in a cracked-out mali. Not sure there's a light sabor in the world that can match his bitey face.

  6. With a house full of Siberian Huskies, I can only silently nod and be thankful for strong crates.

  7. Phoenix so reminds me of my dog Indigo, a mutt. She is almost two and still goes in to the laundry to get things but always brings them to show us. She has only shredded two socks and one pair of undies so far so I think that's pretty good! Amazingly when I leave the house if my husband is home or not, she sleeps and does nothing wrong.
    Your blog makes me laugh, thanks!

  8. Loved this post! My older lab was trusted out of her crate around 10months and usually sleeps on the couch all day long. My 1.5yr old lab (rescued 7 months ago) will probably be 10 before he is allowed run of the house. You leave him alone for 5mins and he is counter surfing or his new trick is jumping on to the dining room table so he can see whats going on outside.

  9. Zodiac has never been 100% trustworthy, the girls are not above peeing on the floor. So everyone stays loose in the bedroom during the day. Seemed like a good compromise. No food and no carpet!

  10. you really really need to write a book you are so funny Love your stories :)